Musings: On Senioritis

I first got senioritis in fifth grade. I was a young girl with a tired soul. I looked about me and wondered how everyone was so energetic, and excited about nothing in particular. I wondered how and why my teacher bothered to keep up with the sugar-fueled ramblings of pre-teens who didn’t understand a thing about the world yet. I did the work, I did the assignments, but the classroom seemed dull of color in my eyes and the screaming of these children in the playground shrill in my ears. I played music but without feeling – the notes were black on the page and brought me little joy, for the pieces we played were pedantic and uninteresting. The world seemed too little for my senses.

In eighth grade I was excited about life, yet I didn’t know what else it had to offer. I stayed up till midnight lifting dumbbells and playing Chopin, and woke up ready to “carpe diem”, in the words of our school motto. I was always the first girl to finish changing for PE and that one shy person who still attempted to join every club that our school had to offer (not that many, at our age). I remember the cool dewy mornings and the brisk six-minute walks to the bus stop, the afternoon runs that made me feel that I was my only real limit, and the late night rehearsals that left me with the impression that I still had much to learn. Until experience wrought forth its fruit, I could only seize so much out of each day.

Now, as a senior I have still yet to develop senioritis. I am older but with fresher eyes. Yes, the lessons are dull, but that is only because I know there is so much more beyond. What we are learning now is but a shadow of the vastness of knowledge and ignorance that has been beyond us thus far. My only possible regret is that I spent too much time agonizing over the trivial things. We are not satisfied by too much, but by too little. We are not too greedy, but not greedy enough for the good things in this life.

How can one feel apathy when there is still much to discover? How can I get senioritis when I don’t even know what I don’t know?

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First published on FB on March 3, 2016.

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