Have A Day.

October 16

  • I’m almost entirely right brained now, and I’m losing my capacity for language. Like in the split brain studies.
  • Objectively speaking, I’m also at a higher risk of becoming suicidal than ever.
  • Today, two professors called me “Grace” by accident. That doesn’t seem like an accident. It’s almost universal that I’m mistaken for that name.
  • I pretty much gave up on my dream on becoming a French major today. I declared Biochemistry last night. Now I’m craving Neuro classes? What’s going on? And I still want to go to Aix?
  • I’m going insane. I had energy to dance around for an hour to David Bowie but not enough to even sit and talk to my mom like a normal daughter.
  • ‘I had a day.’ That’s going to be my new catchphrase.
  • I trust my own ability less and less. I let myself down. I can’t do things that I know should be a piece of cake. It’s like trying to eat rocks when I’m expecting a mouthful of bread.
  • I weighed 133 pounds yesterday after my swim and sauna.
  • Mom came to visit me over fall break and I didn’t cry once. I ate every meal.
  • Now I’m overeating. My body must be so panicked and stressed and in survival mode that it’s essentially been deprived for months. My metabolism must be slow.
  • Chocolate should be a staple in this culture.
  • I haven’t had coffee in…weeks? Not addicted!
  • I’m just tired. I don’t know when this fight will ever end.
  • God let your will be done.
  • I wonder what my tears would look like under a microscope.
  • Help isn’t always helpful.
  • Why is everything so heavy?
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Photo by Louis Blythe

  • Apparently I got one of the highest scores in my Psyc class on our first midterm. #highlyfunctioning
  • Scars fade. For the all part, they go unnoticed. I don’t restrict myself to long sleeves like in the cliche.
  • How did it ever get this bad?
  • Doing all the research about serotonin receptors and SERTs doesn’t help me make the darned chemical.

If you’re thinking about suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

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