Still jet lagged, I woke up before the rest of the house, and had a few hours of opportunity to eat all the snacks I wanted and cry without anyone being there to see.
Girl, you gained some weight this week.
Last weekend, I was dismayed by how weak I felt in the pool, and how dangerous my eating behaviors were becoming. Since then, I’ve been eating, and I can feel it on myself physically.
It took a conscious effort at first, with a huge activation energy barrier. But nobody tells you that once you start eating, you suddenly feel hunger always, even when you are bloated and physically full. It’s like your body wants to catch up on three months of malnutrition all at once.
Now, my body feels familiar, yet not quite the same. I’m tempted to restrict yet again as my body works to regain the fifteen or so pounds I lost since the end of summer. I’m hyper aware of the way my fingers can’t wrap around my limbs the way they used to, of how my stomach is no longer concave but begins to peek over the waistline of my pants, of how puffy and inelegant my face and neck feel. I just hate how I’m just taking up more space than I used to, even if I have that right.
I may be eating again, but I wish I could own these changes and feel beautiful.
Right now, I get the feeling that I simply exist.
Anyway, I’m just waiting for my body and mind to stabilize. Being home for the holidays doesn’t change the fact that I am majorly depressed, and a lack of academic pressure doesn’t mean that my anxiety is easier to deal with. My muscles and jaw are still clenched, my breathing pattern can’t relax, and I feel like I’m holding in a good cry.
I’ve never started off Christmas with a sob, ever. Joy to the world! I always see posts that come up about the holidays being a challenging time for people who find it difficult to be “merry”, but I never thought that would have an application to myself. Hey, a year ago, I didn’t even know I had depression. We’ve come quite a long way.
But I’ve also never forgotten the reason for the season. We have this holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, who was sent to this world in the form of a human. All this, so that the world might be saved through His ultimate sacrifice, given freely by grace. And of all people, I need Jesus.
If anyone needs God’s saving grace, it’s me. I’ve fallen short by so many standards, I’m hurt and broken, and I’m helpless and overwhelmed without my heavenly father.
This is why I’m truly blessed. I have such a Savior that I can find joy while carrying sorrow. Not because I have everything, but because Jesus is enough. I repeat, Jesus is enough!
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 5:3 NKJV
Jesus didn’t come for the elite, the intelligent, or the beautiful. He came for the children, the sick, the weary, the persecuted, and the poor. That’s all of us, in some way or another.
So, let the world rejoice today! We may stand under shadow during our time, but we have an everlasting hope that no darkness can diminish.