Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit discouraged.
You see, I started Sun Requiem over two years ago, because I had a great desire to share my inner world with others.
But what happened, when I poured out my heart, one post after another, one month after the next?
Not much. And that really bothers me, at times.
I have readers. I know I do. When people reach out to me afterwards, and tell me how greatly my writing has blessed them, I am reminded what a blessing it is to simply be able to share. It means a lot to me.
I don’t want to make this blog click-bait or fast food material. I’m not truly doing this for traffic, likes, and shares.
I do it because it’s in my name: all glory to God.
I do it because I’m not ashamed of my story, and the ways God has used me.
It’s a testament.
I don’t need my name in lights
I’m famous in my Father’s eyes
Make no mistake, He knows my name.
I’m not living for applause
I’m already so adored
It’s all His stage, He knows my name.
— Francesca Battistelli
But admittedly, it is disappointing to have so much of me out there in the world, parts of me which I feel are valuable, and vulnerable, and to be met with silence, where I am trying so hard to break it.
For a while, I wrestled with practical questions about blogging. Is the Requiem not aesthetic enough? Is it not plugged into enough social media? Do we not use the right tags? Is the vocabulary off-putting?
Does it make people uncomfortable? Do they want feel-good pieces instead? What is my niche? Do I need to promote myself more? Spend some $$ and get my own domain?
In the WordPress community, sometimes I look around and discover a “successful” month-old blog, already with thousands of followers. But when I get closer, I commonly find those posts full of spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and quite frankly, unoriginal and shallow content.
Wait — I don’t want that. Also, my posts have been read by thousands of people too, over a longer stretch of time.
My Requiem is the only one of its kind, and the beauty of the internet is that every day, dozens of people stumble upon it. They may never comment or come back, but that is their choice.
If it makes me feel any better, I remember that Jesus himself only had 12 committed followers, even as he spoke to groups of thousands.
I’ve learned, through these years, that quality does not always equate to acclaim. That sometimes, the best things tend to undersell. Certainly, that’s how God tends to work in His upside-down kingdom.
For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence.
1 Corinthians 1:26-29 (NKJV)
Oh man, am I greedy and prideful to think that I can find fulfillment via a digital presence. To think that some success can be achieved by converting my blog into a business.
These things may be possible, but they are things that may be added to me after I submit my feelings to the Lord.
Small though my blog may be now, I wholly believe that God can use it, even in its present state, to accomplish great works. A reader encouraged here or there, someone finding inspiration while browsing the internet, a person walking away a with a little more knowledge or perspective.
Sun Requiem is my brain child. But the workings of my mind are rooted in my soul, which belongs to the Lord.
Heavenly Father, would you help me let go of my quiet rage and desperation at the wordly success of my writing. Remind me that when I work for your purpose, you will provide for all my needs. God, I want to define success on your terms, not by obsessing over stat reports. Would you replace these desires with meekness and humility, and grant me peace and wisdom with how to proceed. Lord of things which are despised, you put to shame mighty things in their time. I want to acknowledge you in all of my ways, trusting that you will grant me what is good. Amen.