COMING OUT: “God, Could You Be This Good?”

Photo by Mike Schrengohst

TL;DR – God is real. He loves you. He wants the best for you. No exceptions.

I “come out,” and into the open: not in spite of my faith, but because of it.

But first, a little about me.

My name is Gloria. I am a first generation Chinese American, assigned female at birth (AFAB). My parents conceived me while still living in China — and since pre-birth, I have been used to moving around and living in different places. As we journeyed around the continent, and eventually, to the other side of the world and back, I became the oldest of five children.

My parents found some community in the United States by attending Chinese church congregations, so I became exposed to the truth of the gospel at a young age. However, it was much later when I began putting my full trust in Jesus Christ. A few years after that, my family moved overseas and stopped attending church, yet I continued to pursue a relationship with God on my own, studying the Word, praying, and reading Christian apologetics.

After I came to college, I found a church that allowed me to grow deep in the roots of community, as I wrestled between life and death, literally.

You see, I’ve had my fair share of struggle with things that are not life giving. Near-suicidal depression, hyperventilating anxiety, and the terrible clutches of anorexia nervosa.

But through God, I experienced true deliverance and victory. I reclaimed joy, identity, confidence, and life abundant. I put on my crown, as co-heir of Christ, and took up my spiritual authority.

No longer did these things have power over me. Any illusion of that could be rebuked.

As I emerged from the darkness, I could see better.

My Creator made me a person of creativity, literally in Imagi Deo.

He called me beautiful. He called me child. Worthy. Strong. Beloved.

But one day, He showed me a different quality: queer.

It launched me into a season of wrestling, one which has persisted through the last seven months.

So many questions came to the surface. God, why did you create gender? Did you create the binary, or is it truly a social construct? If I am neither woman nor man, must I remain celibate? If I’m AFAB, could it still be ok to marry a man, and what is the difference between him and anyone else? What is a holy sexuality? Is my state truly broken, a thorn in the flesh, or did you intentionally make me in this way? Is this a part of or separate from my identity? Why can’t I find a direct answer in the bible to these questions?

I considered putting my education on hold, for the sake of pursuing answers. (I didn’t.) Yet I never doubted God’s love for me.

I realized that this very wrestling was a blessing, because not too long ago, I had been fighting for something very different: my life and sanity.

I became more desperate than ever to hear God’s truth. I put myself in a position where my greatest desires would not be from my own limited experience, but God’s, whose plan would be infinitely better than my imagination.

I revisited Genesis 1-3, and the six “clobber passages”. I sat in the naked shame of sin, and I experienced the reality of why the first two humans hid themselves in the Garden of Eden.

What the church often forgets is that all of humanity is in the same sinking boat. None of us is no more or less deserving of God’s grace, even when it comes to sexuality or gender identity.

Seemingly, my questioning was about one thing, but truly, it was regarding everything.

So, here’s the reveal.

Part One: My gender identity doesn’t fit along the male/female binary. I am both, and neither. That makes me non-binary. By definition, it also makes me transgender.

Part Two: I have the potential to be attracted to anyone, regardless of their gender identity. That makes me pansexual.

I come out, because God tells me to stand with the oppressed. I am willing to intercede for those who are discriminated on the basis of race, worldview, appearance, gender identity, and sexuality. For those who live in fear, illness, addiction, abuse, and social condemnation.

I still don’t have all the answers, but I trust and I remain obedient to God’s commands.

In the Book of Esther, “coming out” is not just about saving oneself but also about saving others. By placing her own face on the nameless mass of the despised, Esther moves the king from enmity to sympathy, and he removes the Israelites’ genocide sentence. By placing a Christian face on the LGBTQ+ community for my family, college, church, and world, I pray that my “coming out” story would have the power to change social systems, confront, or even dispel threats of LGBTQ+ persecution.

He raises the poor from the dust
    and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
    and has them inherit a throne of honor.

1 Samuel 2:8 – “Hannah’s Prayer”

I know that God’s heart is with the marginalized. His land does not belong to the privileged and the powerful, but He restores hope to the hopeless, and honor to the despised.

That’s why it’s the Gospel. The word translates into Good News.

It’s the Best News Ever, because it’s a promise to anyone and everyone!

Thank you for reading. God bless you.

12 thoughts on “COMING OUT: “God, Could You Be This Good?”

  1. wellshrink says:

    So courageous and beautiful, Gloria. Such an accomplishment to be in this wrestle while still feeling the full power of God’s love and the certainty that your journey is God’s plan. Nowhere is there Shane nor apology. And everywhere there is gratitude and hope and empowerment. As well, I find it beautiful that right from the start, you experience these new dimensions of your identity and journey not from a personal perspective but from the vantage of standing up and protecting all those who are marginalized and made to suffer for their differences. God’s love is there for all of us, and is even more particularly aimed at those who are forsaken and revoked and discriminated against…and less fortunate. To be an advocate is God’s work for you!

    Liked by 1 person

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