June 1-2 It's just a number, right? 3 harmless digits and a decimal, which indicate the force that gravity exerts on my body. But I shouldn't have stepped onto that scale. Curiosity killed the cat, and no satisfaction can bring it back. After the chamber opens, Schrödinger's cat isn't coming back to life. While waiting … Continue reading Curiosity Killed Schrödinger’s Cat
It's a funny spot I find myself in right now. A period of transition between transitions. Spring semester has ended, but summer hasn't quite kicked into gear yet. I'm getting ready to study architecture, but I'm still declared as a biochemistry major on paper. I've got about three courses left on the pre-med track, but … Continue reading Disease, Dis-ease
I have always felt comfortable in water. Since some of my earliest memories, I have loved being wet in the bathtub. I have also known how to swim for most of my life. Thus, I have never experienced any fear of water. As a child, I remember swimming over a diving well without fear, because … Continue reading On Near-Drowning
God broke through Monday night. This wasn't a dream. The reality was, that God met us in Ja's room that night. 'Code' names: Mc, Ja, Se, So, Mu Previously, I was in recovery for an eating disorder. Less than a week ago, I was under attack again. Starve! it commanded me, and the urge became … Continue reading Fresh.
I remind myself that progress isn't linear, but it's hard to believe I'm winning the war when I keep switching sides, so that every battle seems partly lost no matter what. While I haven't fainted in public yet, I've spent much of these past few days half conscious, weak-limbed, and dizzy, either in bed, or … Continue reading Cease Fire!
Recovery is tough. Some days I feel so large, I think I fill up the entire room when I step into one. I see my cheeks jiggle, and my neck grow round. My breasts fill my hands again, and my stomach collapses into soft folds that sometimes hide my belly button. My hip bones have … Continue reading The Grace of Surrender: Recovering from ED
Let's Get Real. What I am about to write has been, and continues to be, a source of pain and struggle in my life. However, it is my struggle: one in which I take ownership and self-agency. It's National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (#NEDAwareness). I am joining in the conversation by sharing my story. My name … Continue reading Let’s Get Real. #NEDAwareness
Merry Christmas. Still jet lagged, I woke up before the rest of the house, and had a few hours of opportunity to eat all the snacks I wanted and cry without anyone being there to see. Girl, you gained some weight this week. Last weekend, I was dismayed by how weak I felt in the … Continue reading Joy To This Weary World – (Christmas Post)
December 13 Relapse feels so easy it's almost like an old friend. It's scary to think that I buried those seeds so long ago, but they've been growing in the dark all this time. It's scary that even when I returned to a weight that was healthy for me, and carried on with desserts and … Continue reading Hunger Strike
It's dawned upon me that anorexia may be something I've never truly recovered from. Heck, I was never treated. Sometimes I question whether my illness was ever real, if no one noticed it at its worst. This past week, I can only recount two solid meals and two bowls of miso soup in my diet. … Continue reading Burning Clean, Emptier and Cry