Deeper: Desiring Freedom

The first thing I remember about Kindergarten is roll call. Especially during the first few days of school. Every morning, the bus driver would pick me up on my block on Applewood Lane, where all I had to do was stand at the end of my own driveway, and wait for the big yellow bus …

In Search of Lost Time

Beauty Beyond Bones recently wrote about the grief that comes with recovery. The mourning of a lost youth, of times and memories never to be had. Life lost to the void of not living fully. And I think I understand. I'm saddened, and on occasion, angry, at all the hours I've racked up doing things …

Wintersession 2018: Float On Alright

Earlier this January, I was meant to go on a service trip to Nicaragua. I flew to Boston a few days early to get settled, rest a little, and pack. The day before departure, I learned that my flight was cancelled. Bummer, but no big deal. I knew about the blizzard that was about to …

Live, Live: Small Reasons to Survive in 2018

In 2017, I ditched the resolutions, which was a wise move. Here I quote myself, from less than a year ago: "I'm going to allow myself to make mistakes. Instead of being so pressured and focused on making a perfect year, because there's no such thing, I'm going to make 'next year's words await another …

Joy To This Weary World – (Christmas Post)

Merry Christmas. Still jet lagged, I woke up before the rest of the house, and had a few hours of opportunity to eat all the snacks I wanted and cry without anyone being there to see. Girl, you gained some weight this week. Last weekend, I was dismayed by how weak I felt in the …

Outshined, Again

I'm faint, tired, shaking, and hungry without an appetite. My tongue is white from Candida overgrowth and my fingers tremble involuntarily. I haven't felt this frail and fragile in a while. I can't get any lower Still I feel I'm sinking A few weeks ago, I had a period where I felt nearly normal. I …

Put a bit of fixin’ on it!

Where to even start? The last time I wrote, I wasn't able to silence the thoughts that were telling me to die. I have never wanted that for myself. I have a "rage against the dying of the light" mentality that drives me to seek and create value till my dying breath, which keeps me …

Have A Day.

October 16 I'm almost entirely right brained now, and I'm losing my capacity for language. Like in the split brain studies. Objectively speaking, I'm also at a higher risk of becoming suicidal than ever. Today, two professors called me "Grace" by accident. That doesn't seem like an accident. It's almost universal that I'm mistaken for …

Sleepless eyes, close the light.

I knew these things to be true. That God would never give me more than I could bear. That I am being put through (hell)fire so that I can emerge a sharper tool for His marvelous purposes. That Satan has no power or stake over my body, my words, or our relationship. That God understands me more so than myself, from even before my physical body was formed. And that praising Him for a thousand years would never do justice to His worthiness.

I know, it’s been comin’.

September 24 A productive week finished, I left our college worship night with an earful of cliches concerning the Christian dilemma of being both needing to be disciplined by God while also being unconditionally loved by Him as His adopted child. I lay on my bed, teeth brushed and naked, and found no inclination to …